Put Your Past Behind You - 8 Steps to Implement Now

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”  ~ Deborah Reber

Has this ever happened to you?

You are in a good place in your life, grateful for your lovely house, and happy with most of your decisions and opportunities. The days tick by nicely, until one day someone from your past appears out of the blue. They may be an old flame, an old neighbor, or your friend's creepy uncle. Suddenly, you are transported back in time, back to a day of uncertainty, frustration or grief. 

They say "hello." And their voice brings memories rushing through in technicolor. Or perhaps you never forgot it, not quite being able to let it go.

We all have discomfort in our lives, and much of it is based either in the past or the future. For the most part, we try to learn from our mistakes, or we try not to worry about something that hasn't happened yet. The thing is, emotions are the connectors to strong memories. When we are confronted with our past, those emotions can come flooding back with the memory.

And yet we know, on some level of our consciousness, that allowing ourselves to get pulled back into the past does us no good. When we relive an old moment, our bodies don't know the difference between a memory and a current event. Our heart starts to race as if it is happening now. Our throat tightens, our limbs stiffen, and our thoughts get extraordinarily focused...on this unproductive memory. We lose awareness of ourselves and sink into that old moment. Unfortunately, some of our reactions may also then become old ones. When we have a second to step away mentally from the memory, we may give our heads a shake. "What was I thinking? Why did I just react like that?"

There are other situations in life that we may fall into this unawareness. Where we lose our current consciousness and best decision-making skills. This happens if our brain is hijacked by our fight or flight responses. It happens if we relive a traumatic moment, or if we allow a fear or phobia to take over.

So, how do we put our past behind us? How can we stay present and aware so that our memories, thoughts and emotions don't unconsciously take over?

1. Practice mindfulness throughout your day. This includes being aware of your thoughts, and which ones follow what, down the road to an emotion. Once you can be aware of thoughts and emotions, you will be able to more readily shift them both so that you don't fall into an old reactive habit.

2. Sit in a safe space with a safe person, and, if viable, relive and process that old memory to allow you to work through it and come out the other side with a different frame of mind. If your memory was a serious or traumatic one, please make a counsellor or therapist the safe person.

3. Practice multiple perceptual positions. In a conversation, focus on being YOU. Feel your feelings, notice your surroundings, hear what is happening, use your senses to be as present, in your body and with the other person, as possible. THEN practice observation. Pretend you are the watcher of your thoughts and feelings. What are you thinking? How are your emotions displaying on your face? What are your responses? Ask these questions as the observer of yourself. THEN if possible, observe the observer, as if you are watching yourself, watching the conversation on a movie screen. If this one is difficult, focus on moving in and out between the 1st and 2nd position. If you want help moving into the 3rd position, let me know.

When your daily habit becomes awareness and mindfulness, and observing how you respond and react, you will be more informed of your emotional response and better able to remove yourself from that past moment.

If you are also able to work through some of the more intense emotional moments, you can effectively release the attachment to that memory. There are additional methods to this process that are helpful, but not appropriate through written instruction.

When you find yourself falling back into an emotional memory, try taking these actions in the moment:

4. Take a deep breath, and let it out. Then take another. Focus on your breath. This will help to keep you present.

5. Summon up a positive emotion - think of a moment when you felt love, joy, happiness or peace - then imagine sending a dose of this emotion to the person that created the memory rush. If this feels uncomfortable, acknowledge your discomfort and send it anyways. Like the act of forgiveness, that process is more healing to you, than to them. But there is a chance they may need an extra dose of love, care, or happiness in their life.

6. Like above, Acknowledge your feelings. Allow them to reside in your body long enough for them to dissapate. Stay aware of how they feel in your body.

7. Speak of your discomfort honestly if you can. (“I’m sorry we ended the way we did.” Or “Wow, I’ve thought a lot about you since the last time we spoke.” Or, "I haven't seen you in a while.")

8. Recognize where this emotion is coming from (your past). Then get present.

Life has a way of surprising us, and the surprise isn’t always pleasant. So make an effort to recognize how an old relationship may affect you, and how your current response can inform your future.

Don’t let negative past emotions color the present moment any more than it needs to. Take steps to keep past anxiety where it belongs. If it feels really fresh, then you probably never let go of that moment. Use the steps above to let go of that anxiety right now, before it saps any more of your energy. 

Recognize how far you’ve come since that moment, and take steps to forgive, if forgiveness is needed. 

Whatever the current moment brings, give yourself a gift. Face it with courage and honesty, and move on with a smile and with awareness of all you are grateful for now in your life.

6 Steps to Help a Spouse Through Job Loss

“Peter hides it well, but I know he is miserable, and the tension in our house is unbearable at times,” Pamela confesses to me over coffee.

Pamela’s husband recently lost his job. She is nervous about spending a single unnecessary dollar, and the only way she agreed to meet me is after I offered to treat her – a frank and necessary reality.

“I wish I could help him, but he balks at any suggestion I make, as if I’m the cause of this problem.” Pamela’s story is increasingly familiar in this economy.

How do you "Awaken" and what is Awakening?

We are each on our own journey in life. Each with our own lessons, struggles, and joy.

In our journey, many of us will, at some point, Awaken.

What does this mean, to awaken?

Some people, at a very young age, have a sense that Something exists beyond their flesh and blood. They seem to know there is the world beyond, and connected to others - the energy exchanged, the love that affects a child, the anger that withers an opponent, or the emotional and reactionary choices they make that affect their environment and those around them.

Others have a realization just as they are about to pass at the end of their life.

Most of us start with the simple knowledge that there is more to life than our physical being, and some greater purpose than our daily activities. We search for understanding through religion, spirituality, psychology or experience.

And when a new piece of knowledge resonates with us, when the truth of it feels profound, we acknowledge the "Aha!" moment or feel the tingles of truth while the hair on our arms rise.

Throughout your life, I'm sure you can recall some "Aha!" moments. The moment may have been something simple, such as a sudden understanding of how to process a math problem. Or perhaps it was a greater understanding of human nature, such as realizing why a friend always responded a certain way.

In my experience, I most often felt my "Aha!" moments when a universal truth resonated with the core of my being. As if a light switch went on as I finally realized why I had chosen the path I did.

What does AHA! mean to you?

At one point I was feeling that switch so frequently that I took to writing them down, knowing that there had to be some universal insight to the pattern of profound moments. In fact, the insight was quite personal, not something that would change all of mankind. They were shifts in my own development, growth moments that propelled me into a new awareness. However, by the time I figured this out, I had absorbed the knowledge so completely that my response was, "well, duh! That is just common sense!" It was as if I always knew these discoveries.

And perhaps I did, on some subconscious level. In fact, THIS awareness (that the knowledge was always there...somewhere) triggered a new level of understanding.

Which led to my participation in classes that were on the "fringe". Soaking up others' teachings in intuition, afterlife, and unseen energy, I practiced conscious ways of thinking such as "noticing" and "observing". By doing this, I observed how my thoughts and senses were connected to my environment.

I began to notice how a certain feeling (a spacious calmness is how I can best describe it) would precede a small crisis at work, and I began to look for that crisis before it hit. It was as if my subconscious was preparing my conscious self for action. With new awareness of my senses, I also noticed unique smells that would symbolically demonstrate to me, how someone may be behaving in my environment.

For example, I remember arriving at work one early morning, the first one into the air conditioned office, when a skunk smell wafted by. Before my expanded awareness, I would have written it off as simply strange. With my new insight and observations, this scent helped me to be ready to respond to the "skunk" I would interact with in a meeting later that day.

I also practiced new behaviors such as focusing positive energy on a crystal necklace then wearing it under my business clothes. This necklace helped to remind me to be positive (or confident, or action-oriented, or calm in the face of stress, depending on the situation I was preparing for).

As I learned more and more awareness activities, my own "Aha's" came flowing so fast I didn't have time to write them all down. Learning, and slowly Awakening to this other side to life became a part of my day. And I no longer hid those crystal necklaces, because they were no longer "fringe" in my own life. My energy practice became normal, as did constant observation of my own thoughts and actions, and how I could change my very human responses to mirror my soul's Awakening.

Is there a point when one is fully Awakened?

The thing about Awakening, is that the more you know, the more you realize there is to learn. And as we learn, the more clearly we understand that we are all connected, that our thoughts and actions affect others, that we can become compassionate in all situations, and that we always have a choice in how we respond (though we sometimes forget). And in Awakening, we realize that the profound knowledge gained is the same as simple love and empathy for the humanness of each other.

...I have been writing and revising this post for many weeks. This subject is so expansive that I find it difficult to define. In fact, part two is next week. Every day, I continue to discover and relearn aspects of Awakening.

If you have insight or examples to share that this post has triggered for you, please share with us in the comments below! We continue to learn from each other.

If You Can't Beat Em...

It took lots of tears and bargaining 

to get this sweet angelic child in that dress.

But, note, she is covered from head to toe!

(note: this is a guest post from author Heather Dugdale.)

. . . just buy stock in Hanes and purchase every color of sweatpant and sweatshirt known to man!  The Ego (middle child) has been killing me about her clothes.  She wears the same red hoodie every day and literally the nicest thing I can get her into to go to church is a velour sweatsuit.  In the spirit of giving and forgiveness, and complete exhaustion, I’ve decided to just give in.  And here’s what I’ve learned about accepting defeat:

Bracing for Mother Nature's Strange Behavior

The end of October this year was weather-strange.

On the 29th I embraced the warm weather, enjoying my garden. Marigolds were raging with color and the Morning Glory was blooming in abundance. Purples and blues traveled among heart-shaped leaves up my front railing. October had been so nice even our rosebush decided to bloom a third round of lovely pink blossoms.

On this morning I picked a whole bowl of tomatoes - some red, most were green. The shiny, round green ones would ripen in a paper bag. They found a perfect place to sprout – the corner of the compost. Tomatoes didn’t do well in the garden this year, but one tomato plant found a place to thrive late in the season and we had more tomatoes in three weeks than we did all summer.


On this day, I had a different reason for bringing in so many tomatoes. The weather was about to turn with reportedly an inch of snow later that day.

How to Save a Marriage

By Leigh Harris

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”
~ Theodore Hesburgh

In the past month I found out that three marriages of close friends are in trouble.

When I heard about the first one, a husband who recently left his marriage, I cried. It seemed worse than death. With death there is love. With separation or divorce, there is often anger, despair and fear.

I found out about the next one, a marriage in trouble for the second time (that I know of), and I felt sad. They had tried to improve a trouble spot, but it seems they fell backwards again. Why aren’t they holding on for dear life? I asked myself.

By the time I heard about the third one, however, I felt resignation. Or at least I didn’t feel as shocked. I suppose when you hear about something repeatedly, it no longer surprises you.

...

...to read the full post, please connect to my guest post on Think Simple Now. 

Lessons in Motherhood: A Tribute to My Mom

This weekend I am traveling home to help my mother celebrate her 70th birthday. She and my father are also celebrating over 30 years in their house. They move at the end of next month. There is much to celebrate and I'm thankful to be part of it.

My mother is a role model and and a source of strength and support. Along with my father, she provided a secure childhood, and I know I was fortunate to have that. It is a foundation I learned to cherish, and now try to provide for my own children.

As a child I took my mother for granted. I expect that my own children take me for granted also. And so it should be. They need to know I will always be there for them. They need to feel safe and secure, and if they question my presence then they question their own security. As a child I had no questions. I knew I could rely on my mother for anything.

I believe this came from very clear rules and boundless love. My sister, brother and I knew what our limits were. We knew we were doing something we'd get in trouble for, even as we did it.

As an older teen, I remember coming home late on a Saturday night. It was past the time I was allowed to stay out, and cell phones didn't exist yet to let my parents know where I was if I was late. So as I walked up to the door I rehearsed my words. "We got a flat tire. I'm sorry I'm late." Once it was the truth. Once it was a convenient excuse. Of course, now I know that two flat tires don't hold much weight with a parent.

However, I recall feeling scared for the consequence, but not for my safety. My mother might take away a privilege, but she wouldn't kick me out of the house, and she would always love me. I never questioned that. Ever.

As a teenager I was also keenly aware of the level of choice I was allowed to make. When it came to new boyfriends, college choices, job choices, or other decisions that would affect my future, I was allowed to make those myself. I laugh now as I remember that if my mother was unhappy about my choice, she was eerily silent. (She doesn't often have nothing to say.) Silence was enough of an opinion that I weighed my decisions carefully. But I still made those decisions myself, and lived with the consequences, positive or negative.

Knowing clearly what my mother expected of me (hard work, care for others, respect for rules and inner strength), helped me to establish myself in the working world and into adulthood.

My children are growing, though they seem a long way from adulthood. Nevertheless I know it is important to set clear rules and provide infinite love. My mother helped me to grow into the person I am today. I learned alot from her. I hope I am giving my children the same positive, nurturing environment she gave me.

I grew up in the house we will celebrate in this weekend. People have asked me if it is difficult to see family time in that house come to an end. Maybe a little, I reply. But mostly not. When the foundation of my childhood were my strong and loving mother and father, I can  help them celebrate anywhere, even across distances, as what they gave is always with me.

Mother's Time Alone - Good for the Family

*Guest Post written by Janice

I absolutely adore my children. With that being said, I also enjoy personal time to myself. If because of the busyness of life, I skip my alone time, I can feel the negative effects in my mind, heart and spirit. There is something within me that yearns for the space and place to be solitary and do as I please, whether that is just time to reflect and meditate, take a bath or go for a run in the woods. The activity doesn’t matter so much as does the habit itself. I need this time, and as I grow more and more into my role as mother and wife, I realize how much I benefit from the act of being alone for a moment each day.

1 Minute Reasons to Smile

Need a reason to smile? Watch this one minute movie...then go do something that makes you smile!

Scene behind the house I grew up in.

http://youtu.be/sAXAPlzRhrQ

Enjoy this moment...and smile.

An Authentic Opinion Comes from a Place of Love

Love embraces and comforts. Judgement constricts and condemns.

People grow up forming opinions of right and wrong in the world. When someone forms an opinion without understanding what they believe, the opinion can turn into a judgement. This limits their capacity be open and loving and restricts their ability to receive love too, because it blocks the way to connect more fully with others.

Be conscious of your opinions and understand why you have them. Ensure they come from an authentic place.

For example, Barbara, 49 and a mother to two teenage girls, moved to a beautiful suburban street with well kept lawns except for one property. She and her next-door neighbors scorned the person who lived among the dandelions and bare-patched lawn. One day she observed an ambulance in their driveway. When she walked over, curious about the emergency, a young lady came out.

“Is everything ok?” Barbara asked.

“It will be. My mother has been living here for years and as she gets older she can’t care for herself so easily. Unfortunately I live out of town and don’t visit as often as I’d like. Once the doctors make sure she’s ok, I’ll move her to a residential home closer to my house. In the meantime, my brother will come over and tidy up her place. Her biggest heartache is she can’t garden anymore.”

Barbara felt awful. Not only had she not bothered to check on her neighbor, but she had judged her based on the state of her lawn.

By passing judgement, we limit the potential to express ourselves completely and we fail to perceive the full expression of others. We also miss out on opportunities to meet wonderful people.

Barbara offered to help the neighbor’s son do some weeding to clean up the front yard and, fortunately, forgave herself for her judgment. She resolved to know more in the future before forming a strong opinion.

The next time you feel yourself forming an opinion, ask yourself which root belief it is tied to. Ensure it comes from an authentic place within and serves to increase love in the world.

Cluttered House: A Sign of a Cluttered Mind?

Get Rid of Clutter and Change Your State of Mind by Leigh Harris

Clutter affects the environment and energy of your house. What appears as simple overabundance of physical objects triggers energetic and emotional responses.

Think about your own home environment. How do you feel in different areas of your home?

Often you walk in from the garage, and an automatic to-do list hits your mind. Jackets need to be hung up, dinner made, and laundry sorted. Just once you would like to grab a cold drink and head out to relax on the patio, but distractions beckon. With increasing irritation, you notice the hall filled with shoes thrown off haphazardly, or the bathroom floor covered with scattered towels. You would like to sit down and enjoy a moment of peace on the patio, if the mess would just go away.

Each moment has its share of joy and frustrations, but there are moments in a parent’s life when the aggravation of clutter is overwhelming.

Is it Help or Hindrance?

I like to help others. I have such a deep desire to do this that I itch to make it the top comment on my resume or profile.

Help Others

I’ve always been in a helping profession, even while teaching or directing.

However, with friends and family, I have less objectivity than at work. With family, I want to jump in to rescue, to change, to provide tools. I want to help. But recently I received strong indications that my help was a bit of a hindrance. In one case I sent an email to a few people, full of options of how we all could help some others. Many people do this, but most often they focus on a world crisis. This was personal, between a few people. Though I got a discussion going, some of it was, “what are you thinking, Leigh?” Apparently some levels of help are overkill.

Yesterday I spoke to my sister for a long time. She is incredibly talented, and speaks about brilliant ideas to work with more people in her area of specialty: nutrition. Yesterday I became a coach, instead of a sister. I listened to her wants, then urged her to take action and challenged her doubts.

I could tell she was feeling a bit of stress. When I got off the phone I realized, maybe there is a reason for her hesitations. Maybe she doesn’t need me coaching her about her future. Maybe she can simply enjoy the present and see how the future unfolds. Maybe I can simply listen.

Working mom or Stay-at-home mom? The metaphysical perspective

Of all the moms I know, most love (or really like) what they do each day during the week. Interestingly, some work, some focus on being home with their children, and some balance a part time job with stay-at-home-status. So why do these moms enjoy their routines, whether working or at home?

Working Mom:

1. Frequent adult communication – Have you ever come away from a meeting and felt a fusion of energy because of the great debate or inspiring decisions? That energy can keep you recharged for hours.

2. Independent income – money is an energy exchange. When you have your own income, it gives you a boost of energy. You can manage home expenses more effectively, get a nice pedicure or get a nicer couch. Another reason independent income is nice? Most people have financial memory issues (not enough money growing up, savings gone from the drop in the housing market, etc). That income gives you relief from money stress you may still be carrying from when you were young, or from when you were not so young.

3. Self-confidence – Confidence empowers your life. When you make decisions effectively, you feel the power in your gut, where your confidence chakra (the third chakra) lies. Confidence replaces the butterflies of fear in your stomach. Confidence straightens your posture. Confidence opens you to more confidence.

4. Brain exercise – When you make new decisions and learn new strategies, you strengthen new neural pathways in your brain. This helps you think more clearly and more flexibly, which you can apply to any area of your life. A challenging job can help you do this.

5. Personal growth – When you accept a new job or a new promotion, you give yourself a whole new set of responsibilities to challenge yourself. In addition, if you learn in your spare time (for example, how to feel a zen moment in the middle of stress), you can practice it at work.



Stay-at-home Mom (SAHM):

1. Be a pillar of support for your children – Children always need you, even when they reach the teens and announce they can make all their decisions on their own, thank-you-very-much. Being home provides more opportunity for spontaneous and much needed conversations about what they learn each day, through school or through their peers. Being home while they go to college can also provide this same sense of support.

2. More time for yourself – SAHM’s are busy. I know very few who have time to watch soap operas and eat bon-bons (despite this being the running joke for our working husbands). However, when grocery shopping, meal planning, laundry, house cleaning and dog walking can all be done in the day, it leaves more evening time for ourselves and with our husband. Plus, we can always squeeze in coffee or lunch with a friend during the week.

3. Creative time – Being at home, while children are in school, provides time to be creative and pursue passions. Volunteering, writing, gardening, a new class, or other interests can provide a creative outlet and a sense of accomplishment.

4. Healthier family – As a current SAHM, I love that my vegetable drawers are always full, that we don’t do instant dinners. When I worked, the freezer aisle was my favorite, and take out occurred once a week. While working parents can keep their family healthy, it seems to be easier for a SAHM.

5. Save money – Sure there is only one source of income, but there are also savings for daycare/after school care, cleaning, gas for commuting, extra car insurance, work clothes, and even convenience food (take out, etc) and grocery delivery. I estimate our family saves about $1500 per month because I am home.

From this perspective, it isn’t a case of one being better than the other. Each job has its own opportunities. For some people, they may have the chance to pull the best from both worlds. I know my working world is getting busier, even as I officially title myself a stay-at-home-mom. Perhaps I need to watch a soap opera and eat bon-bons while I still have a chance!

Which are you? Working mom or stay at home mom? What do you love about what you do? Is there anything from the “other side” which you would like to incorporate into your life? How would you do it?