Your Spouse Lost a Job - How to Cope, part 2

In this second of a series, learn practical solutions for the silent partner of job loss.



What can you actively do when your spouse, possibly the major income earner, has lost a job? Take two major steps at home: Cut spending at home, and keep your family healthy.


1. Cut Spending at Home

Estimate monthly bills.

  • Pull out the last three months’ utility bills and record how much they cost each month. Add mortgage or rent and insurance onto this. Use an excel spreadsheet, if possible.

Estimate other monthly expenses.

  • Record grocery, gas and auto, entertainment, household, medical, pet, clothing and miscellaneous expenses. Find these expenses through recent credit card statements, bank record of ATM purchases, and receipts. If you use cash, record the cash you withdraw and estimate where it is used.

Cut out restaurants, movies, soda, alcohol, delivered pizza, snack foods, candy and clothing. Ask yourself: “Is this essential for family health or can I put it on a wish list for when we are employed?”

Search for lower prices: Buy bulk instead of singles; use coupons; check the dollar store (some have grocery sections, and paper and cleaning supplies).

Credit cards with high balances?

  • Freeze them in ice,
  • cut them up, or
  • cancel them at the bank.

Frozen, you have time to reconsider a purchase; cut up, they can’t be used; and cancelled, you reduce your liability should you need to talk to your bank about a loan.

Determine a new budget. Utilities and rent/mortgage are fairly static (though unplugging cords, turning off unused lights, and air-drying clothes help). What can you afford to spend on groceries, clothing, and car expenses? $1200 a month is doable for a family of four.[i] $800 a month is even possible with creativity.

If you have space in your budget, add back in a few inexpensive treats.

  • One bottle of low-cost wine for Friday night
  • Frozen pizza one night, instead of take out
  • Search for a “kids eat free” night at local restaurants

These treats make it less likely that you’ll blow your budget due to frustration.


2. Keep Family Healthy

Don’t cut spending by eating fast food. It will cost you more in the long run in low energy, weight gain, and medicine.

Cut out junk food – it costs money and fills the family up with empty calories. If this habit is a hard one to break, purchase good quality chocolate (the more cacao, the better) and eat a single square, slowly, as a treat.

Cut out prepackaged dinners (boxed macaroni and cheese, frozen dinners, ravioli in a can, or packaged muffins), and cook fresh and basic:

  • Dry noodles, cooked, with tomato sauce and spices from your cupboard
  • Small portions of meat, chicken or pork purchased on sale
  • Homemade muffins, made with whole wheat flour, fills a tummy for longer than refined flour or purchased muffins
  • Cut up large carrots (not prepackaged small ones) and celery, serve with ranch dressing for dip

Choose vegetables that pack a vitamin punch.

  • Fresh or frozen over canned
  • Bright colors over all one color (more variety of vitamins)
  • In-season local versus out-of-season shipped

Cereal – choose lower sodium, minimal sugar (glucose, fructose, high fructose corn syrup), whole wheat versus refined, fewer preservatives, no added color. Cost? Look for sales: less than one cent per gram for value (400g box should be less than $4.00). Oatmeal is one of the best cereals for cost and health. Add a cut up pear and a bit of brown sugar to cooked oatmeal.


Many additions exist to these lists. What can you add?

Check out next week's posting - part 3 to: Your Spouse Lost a Job - How to Cope.


[i][i] Car expenses include gas, but not insurance and registration

Your Spouse Lost a Job - How to Cope, part 1

“Peter hides it well, but I know he is miserable, and the tension in our house is unbearable at times.”Pamela confesses to me over coffee.

Pamela’s husband recently lost his job. She is nervous about spending a single unnecessary dollar, and the only way she agreed to meet me is after I offered to treat her – a frank and necessary reality.

“I wish I could help him, but he balks at any suggestion I make, as if I’m the cause of this problem.” Pamela’s story is increasingly familiar in this economy.

Peter’s job loss, part of the 96,000 Californians to lose jobs in March 2009[i], has him bitter, angry and frustrated. His wife Pamela is worried about their finances, but doesn’t dare talk to Peter about it. She urges him to search the job market each day, but he gets upset with her “nagging.” She sometimes argues back, frustrated with what she sees as indifference.

“I am tempted to push him out the door each morning to look for another job. We need him to work! …but I’ve never seen him this upset, and I don’t want to make him angrier.”

Pamela sees how this affects the kids too. Normally talkative, Alex, seven and Rachel, four, are now quiet at the dinner table. Recently they asked for a nightlight to go to sleep and Rachel started to wet her bed again.

“I don’t know what to do.” Pamela feels caught between helping and hindering Peter, uncertain how to improve their finances or their family situation.

Her bewilderment is understandable. Until someone has been laid off themselves or had their hours cut back, advice or services to cope with a new financial reality are almost invisible.

Yet with the March 2009 California jobless rate at 11.2% (the most recent available[ii]), you may begin to recognize this situation in yourself, in a friend, or through an acquaintance.

So how does someone like Pamela cope with a reduced (or non-existent) income and a newly jobless husband, while maintaining some stability for herself, her children and her marriage?

1. Be a Good Listener

Let him rant and rave if he needs to. Keep the focus on his feelings and words, not on the stress you may be feeling.

Breathe deep! Always remember to take a breath before you respond. You will be less likely to react emotionally, and more likely to answer objectively. Provide the solid support that he needs.

Understand that his frustration is his own. When you react with blame, sarcasm or frustration of your own, you become part of the problem. (And you don’t need another problem.)

Don’t allow his frustration to turn into verbal attack. “I am here to listen, but not if I become your verbal punching bag. Let’s focus on your feelings, on a solution, or we can talk about it later.”

2. Offer Help but Then Step Back

Offer open-ended questions.
· “Is there anything I can do to help?”
· “How can I make each day easier for you?”
· “The Lanigans have invited us over for dinner this Saturday. What is your preference?”

Offer neutral comments, requiring no answer.
· “I read a local article about your industry. It is on the couch if you are interested.”
· “The kids and I are going to the park in an hour. You are welcome to join us.”
· “If you want an objective eye on your resume before you send it out, I’d be glad to help.”
· “The news mentioned a website today that offers free job coaching and resume writing. I’ve left it near the computer.”

Respect his answer, or lack of one.

Before stepping in with ideas and action, it is important to become neutral, no matter how difficult. Neutral allows your spouse to express feelings without fear of reprisal. Neutral is listening and being open.


Next post, check out part 2 of 4: Your Spouse Lost a Job - How to Cope


[i] http://www.edd.ca.gov/About_EDD/pdf/urate200904.pdf
[ii] http://www.labormarketinfo.edd.ca.gov/